My Vancouver Family

It was a great joy getting to spend time with Peter's daughter Sasha, and her sister Zara. Zara, I think you are a very talented person. The movie you made that day on my computer was great. Let's do some more together soon.

This is my niece, Amy; Scott's daughter, getting her boat ready to take to a cottage up North, with some help from her dad and, Steve, a good friend.

Here's Amy's husband, Bob. They both made me feel very welcome on my visit in Vancouver.

Meanwhile, Scott got this canoe loaded on his car, ready to head for his secret camping spot. This is Amy and Rachelle. Rachelle is Scott's wife's daughter. Scott is married to Judy. No, not that Judy; another Judy.

A few minutes after this picture was taken, Scott was heading through an underpass when the canoe slipped off the car. He was okay but I think he put a new dent on the car. This car is jinxed, it seems. A little while ago, a huge branch fell off a tree in their yard and slammed into the hood, causing quite the gash.

Judy was kind enough to drive me out to Kerrisdale; the neighborhood where my Mom grew up. This is your house, Squiddy. I have some great movies to show you too.

My grandparents have their ashes in the garden of this Church. My parents were married here. One of the strange acts of timing is that my Grandfather Hawkes died exactly one day after my father.

On Canada Day, Judy took me to a very popular breakfast spot near Kitsilano Beach, called 'The Nan'. It specializes in vegetarian food. I'm not really sure what I ate but it sure tasted delicious.

A visit to Vancouver wouldn't be complete without a tour of 'Wreck Beach'. This is a nude beach. This is the closest picture I dared take with my camera. It was a very educational visit. There was one man who stood on a large stump rotating like a light house. There are so many puns here, I won't even start. I honestly felt uncomfortable here because I had my clothes on and that made me feel like a voyeur.

In all the time I've known Judy, I have rarely had a picture taken with her. This is her apartment. She has a wonderful decorating sense. I truly wish she could find a way to use this talent to make money in Vancouver. She would make a fortune.

One of my biggest pulls to spend more time in Vancouver, is the bond I formed with Meg and my nieces. I rarely get a chance to speak in the language of my own spiritual path. The night with you guys was truly magical.

One of the highlights of this visit was having the chance to talk with Scott. He's my older brother, by 2 years. I was honored that you would share some of your personal challenges with me Scott. I never had the chance to take pictures of his lovely wife, Judy. It was a very busy week for her. We did talk about their travels together and how Judy got Scott hooked on exploring the World. Scott told me he loves his wife in a way that is very rare today. Thank you very much for extending your hospitality to me while I was in Vancouver. I love you guys.

My family in Vancouver helped me to remember the lesson I seemed to have forgotten most of my life.

You need to smell the roses and feel your life as you live it. Judy you are family to me as much as my brothers and sisters and cousins and nieces here in Vancouver. You have all effected me very deeply in this visit. You have created the deep desire in me to know you better.

The Mystic Man And The Animals

Vancouver, BC, June 26, 2007

Judy is one of my dearest friends. I would do anything for her, and when we get together, magic things seem to happen. This was definitely one of those days.

We went for a walk around the Sea wall of Stanley Park. Chris loved Nature and this was a place he enjoyed very much. Judy didn't want to come here alone because of how she associated it with her son's last days, so we went together.

The beauty along this Ocean side path is staggering. As we walked along, Judy talked about Chris. She told me about his profound love of Nature. She said he always had a fascination with birds and all kinds of animals. He could sit anywhere and animals would just flock to him. One day, a bee landed on Chris's hand and he gently reached down and petted it.

As she said this, we passed a native man resting on a park bench, lying on his back, with his head on a small knapsack. His face looked scruffy but he was wearing an elegant calf-skin leather jacket and he had a bamboo staff propped up against him on the bench. Judy felt there was a connection between this man, and her son, and she wanted to talk to him, but his eyes were closed so we just walked on. I wanted to take his picture but I felt I would have been intruding on his privacy.

A few minutes later, we came upon a black squirrel. The squirrel came up to Judy as if she was an old friend. We immediately thought of the squirrel we had seen the day before when we visited Chris's Cross, nearby. That squirrel had seemed like a guardian for Chris and this little guy made us think of the that experience. Judy took out a bag of peanuts and started feeding him.

Then suddenly there were all sorts of small animals converging on her. There were Canada geese and ducks and squirrels and crows and pigeons all circling her at the same time. Then we looked over and saw the man from the bench standing just to the side of us watching with amusement as Judy kept handing out peanuts. We never saw him walk over. He was just suddenly there.

Then we looked up a minute later and he appeared on the other side of us, watching Judy from the bridge. She looked him in the eye and was surprised to find that he stared right back. He didn't avert her eyes, the way a man who is down and out, might. He just peacefully met her gaze.
He reminded us of the Mystic Masters who show up in special times, disguised as beggars. Judy told me she wished she had run up to him and talked to him or given him some money or something. But I think that what happened was just perfect. He had the quiet enjoyment of watching this miracle unfold between Judy and all these animals.

Judy has asked many times for Chris to give her a sign that he is all right. This mystic man and the animals seemed like the answer to her prayers.

Chris's 'Nature'

I met with my dear friend Judy, who lost her son on June 8th. He was found in Stanley Park.

His brother, Jeff, built a cross and shrine for Chris on June 12th, while family stood by and placed flowers around the site.

Judy and I went to that site on the day I arrived in Vancouver; June 23rd. We found some signs of Nature that spoke to us so we took some pictures of them. I then wrote to my friend ‘Kitty’ in Cape Cod, who has a deep intuitive connection with Nature. I asked her for her insights into these signs. I wrote:
"We found three things that I wanted to ask your insights on. There was a huge slug on the rose bush by the cross that was erected where he was found. It was also there a few days ago. Then Judy and I saw a very tame black squirrel that sat and looked at us for a long time. Finally, as we were looking for clues to what might have happened to him, we found three black feathers on the ground around a large tree with a hollowed out centre. What do you think these signs mean?"

“I am going to give you my gut reaction, and feelings about the things you saw.
Feathers have always signified hope to me "hope is the thing with feathers which perches in the soul", etc.

It feels as though Judy's son was leaving a message to say he felt completely empty(hollow tree) in his life and is flying(feathers) off to a new and better place, but he wanted to leave the feathers to say he had hope that things would be better in his new form/life. Also, it is a sign to Judy that he wants her to know he felt this hope and the BLACK feathers may mean that he acknowledges how hurt Judy must feel.

I really feel the squirrel was a CLEAR example of what you and I have talked of re animals coming and letting you know of their empathy. It almost seems like the squirrel might represent a bit of her son's latent spirit from this earth, but I am not sure if I am clear on this. It really is very meaningful, though, that he lingered there. Normally squirrels are so busy dashing about their business.

Not sure if it is right to share this but referring to the slug on the rose bush....perhaps Judy's son was feeling that he was stripping Judy (a beautiful person, as the beauty of a rose) of her life force with his problems, as a slug robs a plant slowly of life by eating the leaves, leaving the bush unable to absorb its life force from the sun.

She ended her letter by saying:
My heart aches for her as she passes through this time. Many mother's do not survive or recover from the loss of a child, but I hope her spirit will revive and she can turn this to helping others or making life better for someone else.
That has always been my saving grace.

My Heart Is With You

Waterloo, Ontario June 11 2005

My very dear friend, Judy, found out from police yesterday, that her son is dead. Chris died on Wednesday. He was thirty. He had been struggling with drug addiction and was missing since May 26th. Judy moved from Calgary Alberta to Vancouver BC to be close to her two sons, and to do whatever she could for Chris. She spent her savings, and countless hours, getting him into rehab programs and counseling.

I have never been a parent so I can't say I really know how horrible it must be for her right now. I do know that she did everything she could for him in these last four years of his life.

I just want you to know Judy, that my heart is with you.

Nature Spirits

There is a magical quality to my Mom's home that attracts some wonderful creatures.

This is the view out my basement window. I do my writing in the morning and this is what I see. The hummingbird is a very special symbol to me. The other day while I was sitting at my laptop, there was a sparkling light that kept hitting my eyes. I suddenly realized that the wind from the open window was twirling the hummingbird and creating this effect.

Then when I looked out the window I saw this morning dove sitting in the bird bath. As it happens, the wrought iron bird is also a morning dove.

So that got me motivated to explore some more. As I walked up onto the deck I saw a large rabbit heading underneath. when I got to the other side, this little guy was sitting by the new pond we just put in.

I showed this picture in my last post; the sun just rising that morning. You can see the pond here but if you look closer you can see that same bunny.

And these are the fish we got the other day. They all hang out together and they move at lightening speed. And while I was discovering all these animals, I was listening to the bird calls from so many species at the same time.

Of all the creatures, this red-winged black bird is the most mysterious to me. He has been here a couple of weeks.

He spends hours a day clunking himself against the windows and mirrors of our house and the neighbor's. Between the spinning of the hummingbird disk and the actions of this red-wing, I keep thinking of the movie: Dragonfly (Full Screen) in which a man keeps seeing a symbol over and over again until he can't ignore it anymore. It gets to the point where he sees hundreds of dragonflies whacking themselves against his windows; trying to tell him something. This is how I feel these days.

Koh Phangan (Caw-Fenang)

Dennis and I finally left Koh Tao on March 9th by boat to check out the next island south, Koh Phangan (Koh being the Thai word for Island). I rode on the Prow of the boat all the way to this second Island on our tour.

I had just received a very disturbing reply to a letter from a dear friend who I hurt with my words, and I found the trip a soothing opportunity to consider many things in my life. I get a lot of letters as I take this journey and sometimes I wonder if I lose my perspective and hurt the people I love because I'm not connected to my old world the way I was. To those of you who feel I have become insensitive to the 'Real' world as I travel in my bubble of self discovery, I am truly sorry.
,
We arrived on this Island just in time to watch the sunset. There are two beaches here, that are appropriately named, sunrise and sunset beach.
This is Dennis watching the amazing speed of the Sun setting over the Gulf.

This is a picture I caught within moments of this same sunset. This is how I think of Thailand; such beauty and tranquility in a setting of ancient tradition.

The night we arrived was 'Half Moon Party Night'. We met so many people that day who looked at Dennis and said: "Hey man, you are just in time for this party." Dennis really does remind me of the original Hippie in the way he looks.

We met three Brits as we headed to the Hot spot of the Island; 'Hat Rin'. They told us this is the place to really party. They pointed out 'The Mellow Bar' where you climb a long winding stairway and go for a special milkshake.

This is 'The Mellow Bar' at night. The Bar serves Magic mushroom milkshakes, which are legal in Thailand. The shakes cost 500 baht each and are said to be extremely potent. The day after this party, the Brits told us they had a couple of shakes each and sat on the floor of the bar for five hours just giggling as they hallucinated. Just for the record, Dennis and I spent the night walking the beach and watching movies in the Bars. Dennis may look like a wild crazy hippie but in reality he's just a very nice guy. That's why I hang out with him. If you want to find out about the drunken orgies that take place at these Parties you'll need to read someone else's Blog. We were back at our Guest House that night by 11pm fast asleep.

Things I'm Not Writing About

My sister sent me a crisp message on Yahoo messenger yesterday;

“Banana Boy, I expect a new Blog entry every day.” End of message.

Fine.
So I started writing.
Do I write?
Yes I write.
I write a lot.
A LOT; really…

So when I wrote my post for yesterday I sent a crisp message on Yahoo messenger to my sister.

“Melbah Toasty, I wrote a great post but I can't publish it.” End of message.

I wrote lots of things yesterday.

I wrote a list of relationship tips. Unfortunately, this list is from me; a guy who has been divorced twice and just had his fiancee call off the wedding. Let's face it, who want's to get relationship tips from a club that would have me as a member?

So then I wrote a stirring post giving advice to my ex sweetie on how she should conduct her life now that I'm no longer a part of it. I have to admit I did include the words 'Convent' and 'short-sighted blunder' in this advice.
I sent that one to my sister. “Steve, why don’t you just tell her these things instead of putting it in the Blog?”
“But Mel, I promised her I wouldn’t write her.”
“Stevie, if she changed her mind, then you can too.” Okay, my sister might have a point.

So then I wrote about my four most important love relationships, and why I chose those women. Now this one had so much promise that it began to sound like a Movie of the week, so I decided to keep writing it until I have a proper screenplay.

Here are things I almost wrote about:

I almost wrote about the blinding snow storm we had yesterday and how my sister trudged four blocks through the minus 30 conditions and slumped into my house exhausted. "Feel my chin" were the only words she spoke until she thawed out. "Oooh cold." I agreed.

I almost wrote about Hummingbirds. I have developed a fan club (well, okay, maybe not a fan club but at least I had one person comment on my Blog more than once). My loyal reader, Somsoc made me curious, so I sneaked back to her Blog where I found she had written a post about my post. "Ah, Eureka" I said to myself. I should write a post about the post she wrote about my post! But I didn't (or maybe I just did).

She wrote about one of my favorite subjects; hummingbirds. I started writing Somsoc a comment about how hummingbirds are an ancient symbol of love because they spread fertility from flower to flower. I was also going to say that the way to treat these birds is the way we should treat a lover. The hummingbird is poetry in motion. You never see a hummingbird perched on a branch, but always at high speed, over a flower, gathering nectar. Just like the best relationships, the beauty comes from giving your partner the freedom to be as they are, not in trying to possess them or hold onto them. I was going to say that if we try to grab this wonderful bird we crush it. But then my comment was starting to get longer than her post so I didn't write it…

I almost wrote about the fact that it's so hard to write when you know your friends can all read what you're writing. And how hard it is to write when you want to keep up a high standard of writing.

But then it occurred to me;
This is MY Blog. I don't have to please anyone. It's here for me to express what I want to say
I need to stop having an agenda and thinking that if I’m a good boy and say the right things and do the right things and make all my friends and family happy every thing will work out right.
It’s time to get on with living. It’s time to find out who I am and stop worrying about how it will effect other people,
I need to live life and write my Blog and go where I go and experience Thailand and be who I am.
Wow, that could be a good Post to write.
Maybe I’ll write it tomorrow…